Dear friends, yesterday GRIEF caught up with me.
Yes, I spent time with the grief of losing my sister only seven weeks ago. I was pretending it did not exist as I went about my life as if everything was just fine. But, things were not fine … far from it! I was living on auto pilot doing what needed to be done.
However, my footsteps were heavy and wooden. Laughter came from my lips but it seemed forced and unnatural. Nothing seemed to give me joy even though I was seeking it every day and willing it to come to me … but it never came.
In the past my Journal writing had given me much solace, but even that no longer resonated with me. It gave me no great understanding of why I felt so very heavy and full of sadness. I had read: “You don’t put things on paper to produce masterpieces but to gain some clarity.” I knew this was true but on this occasion no clarity was forthcoming.
And then yesterday dawned and my grief was so heavy upon my physical body that I took some time to meditate and to be truly honest with myself before God as I wrote. Thus began a litany of how I had failed my sister in so many ways. There they were … all my failings listed for Him to see and judge.
Yet no judgement came … only tears and remorse. And as I poured out my heart concerning my failings and as I wondered what sort of a person I really was anyway, God met me in my grief and comforted me. He came not with judgment and condemnation but with love and compassion.
I realised that when one loses a loved one as quickly as I had lost my sister, guilt will eventually come. It is inevitable. You have never done enough. Why didn’t you visit more? What about the injury you caused by what you said? So it goes on. And when it comes, we need to face it head on and not run away from it.
So friends, yesterday I faced my guilt … and my lack … and I cried out to God as I am want to do on such occasions, for I knew clarity WOULD be provided as I wrote. I knew He would bring me through. And He did. This is what I wrote (in part):
Lord, I am so very very flawed!
I know I am hating myself something fearsome at present
I am giving myself – not 50 lashes – but 500 lashes
How many lashes can I give myself?
When will it end?
It will never bring my sister back
No amount of lashes will bring her back
All I can do Lord, is tell myself I did the best I knew how to do
I have to accept less than I wish were possible
I AM INDEED FLAWED!
But God knows this and loves me anyway
I will forgive myself my failings
I will get up and go on
I will dry my eyes
Understanding that I was there with Margaret right until the end
Holding her hand and loving her
Seeing her through to the other side
And that was enough …